At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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