i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Randomize
