Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
