Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize
