Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
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