did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
