Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
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don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
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Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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