Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
Randomize
