The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
They say you shouldnt they say its no good for the environment in your vagina
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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