onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
