I feel like abortions should bother me more
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
