There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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