my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Randomize
