it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Randomize
