Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
