I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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