She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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