i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
