Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Randomize
