i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
