i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Oh god it's open bar.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
