tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
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