i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I wish you could order shots online.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
