??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
