I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
i love accidental penises.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
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