my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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