forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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