Swine flu. Run for my life!
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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