Need sex. Gaining weight.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
