PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
