I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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