i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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