That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Randomize
