you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
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