turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
