i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Randomize
