You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
