My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
