WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
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