Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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