Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Randomize
