He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
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