rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
