You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
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