soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Randomize
