can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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