sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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