you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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