So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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