i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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