Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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