I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
