I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
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come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
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She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
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