Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
