I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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