i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
